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[20 Jan 2004|11:59pm]
new livejournal. Jason thought of the name, thisweakness. thanks cupcake.
comment if you want to be added because I'm making it friends only.

9 love davey

yeah yeah yeah SHUT THE FUCK UP [14 Jan 2004|09:41pm]
[ mood | amused ]

she said: this may come as a suprise to you, but i actually don't want to make this a huge public affair, though it already is.
so, since you aren't going to answer me there, and you've blocked me, i'm emailing you. i don't care if you don't answer. because honestly, what you said was a fucking stab to the heart, and i don't need someone in my life who is going to treat me that way.

I left this comment on her journal entry having to do with finding herself and of coarse she dragged our situation into it: you know what. I can admit that I'm a hypocrit because of some of the shit I said. but you e-mailed me saying you didnt want the public involved and then you blew it up even bigger. as for the fact you still waiting for an explanation.... it was coming, until both you and paige decided to take matters into your own hands before even talking to me first.... so dont just point the finger in my direction you need to take a look at your own shit, just like I am.

(her)Their reply was:
thank you for clearing that up for me, you decided never to speak to me again, so don't read my journal anymore.
dont comment back, i'll ban you.

whos the fucking hypocrite now? hmm yeah you sure didnt want to make all of this public eh? yeah and the things you said to me were all nice and peachy and sweet right? omfg... you make me laugh. I seriously think all this shit you've been pulling is an act... everyone knows you dont have your shit together, you never will so you might as well give it up. you say give up my "pitty me act"... uh ok since you keep going on with this cherade of everyone should feel bad for you and be proud of you, well fuck that. if you want that then be proud of your fucking self dont go out begging for it. quit feeling bad for yourself and trying to make everyone else feel bad for your lame ass. you didnt even give me a chance to explain so dont act like you're so fucking great and I'm the total bad guy. I admit that some of the things I said were fucked up and some of them I didnt even mean I just said them out of heat of the moment but I realize now that you deserved every word. I hope that it hurt maybe now you realize how fucking selfish you are. all this time you didnt care about my feelings well you know what, I hope it felt great Ashley. :) I hope you continue to be on this fucking "path of finding yourself" well the more you "find yourself" the more people learn you're not so great and we all know that you used to have a BIG ass problem with people not liking you so I hope that eats away at your heart because the only thing you're doing is making yourself look worse. you think everyones looking and being like "oh thats so great look at Ashley I want to be her friend! she totally has her shit together, even though shes still madly in love with someone that she despises (which also despises her)" yeah what a great person. She'll let anyone walk all over her ass but when it comes down to someone thats been there for her through it all and always stuck by her side shes just willing to throw them away. but you know what fuck it. I tried so fucking hard for so fucking long to be there for you and make you understand that you're a great person and you dont need to change but everyone else says well shit Ashley you need to change beause you're one fucked up person. yeah I totally understand why they'd be great friends. anyways done with that but you cannot sit there and think that you did everything to try and be so great to me and you did nothing wrong.... did you actually try to talk to me and figure out if everything was all right and if I was all right? no you fucking asked if I was mad at you END OF STORY. so dont feed me and everyone else that bullshit about "oh yeah I did everything right and I was such a great friend and Ash is just jealous cuz she cant have me" bullshit I could care less if you ever liked me like that. I mean yeah in one point in time I had a major jones for you but that all drifted away as soon as this "new recooperated Ashley came about" I dont know how you can look at yourself and think you're so much better now when just 3 days ago you were obsessing over a boy you hardly knew. fucking lame. and you really think you're so much better? huh? you disgust me. the only thing you've changed is not being on the computer as much and now you actually have outside friends because of school, BIG FUCKING DEAL. that doesnt make you any better then anyone else. anyways I just had to spill a peice of my heart out to you all. I was really nervous and scared.....


fucking lame.

p.s. that one entry had nothing to do with you or your little paige, too bad you never even decided to ask me about, instead you both just assumed shit while I sat here laughing at your retarded asses. not everything has to involve you and your attempt at finding yourself so give it up.

have a great life :)

2 love davey

[14 Jan 2004|01:23am]
[ mood | stressed ]

I fucking hate myself.

love is a many splendored thing [12 Jan 2004|12:53am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I hate myself for feeling the way I do
I'm so lost in lies that I made myself belive that and cant even imagine escaping
I want to lie in feilds of poison laced thorns
I want you to see the markings from black painful tears that struck my pillow case and refuse to come off
I want to make you swallow the arsenic taste that escapes your lips of desceit and betrayal
I wish I could let you go but I care too much
I cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head that all you want is too hurt me more
I want to rip her name from your thoughts and replace them with my own
I want you to love me as much as you love her, as much as you used to love me
I want to swing from that branch left over in the park I imagined us together in
I want you to feel the hurt left inside me that lingers in the pit of my stomach whenever I think of what we could have had
I feel the cold sharp razor along my skin as it strokes along as if making a beautiful picture of red strokes on a canvas
I try to pawn off the pain to another location so it doesnt seem so harsh
I will never tell our secret it will stay safe in my conceiled lips of pure abandonment

as the rope caresses my neck, it all seems to fade away.

you'll never love me like I love you.

30 love davey

happy b-day reeses peices. [07 Jan 2004|08:18am]
happy birthday Cindee. hope you had a good one because lord knows birthdays suck, well at least mine do. I send much love your way bean queen.
4 love davey

deep breaths of toxic lies. [07 Jan 2004|08:07am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm officially kicked out. I think I'm just going to head to California, that way I wont have to keep dealing with court in Utah. I dont know what I'm going to do seeing as I only have $500 and one more paycheck on the way. All I know is that I'm packing my shit and as soon as I can get a ticket I'm out of here. Dont know what I'm going to do about the living situation.... maybe I can move in with my aunt but I doubt it. And no one else is going to welcome a 17 year old girl they dont know with all her shit packed up without having to pay rent which I dont have. These are the times I wish I had hos in different area codes, then again hos still probably wouldnt let me move in with them.


fat people dont run.... especially chasing after buses. [05 Jan 2004|11:45pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Well tonight just fucking sucks.
I was planning on meeting a few of my friends down in Salt Lake. Of coarse I was going to have to take the bus because I STILL dont have my fucking lisence like a loser, but hey. So I get on the internet and look up what time the bus should be coming to my neighborhood it said 11:18 so I went outside at 11:07 ready for the bus to come pick my ghetto ass up so I could go meet them and have some fun on my night off of work. Suddenly I saw the bus approaching.... I got excited because I had been waiting outside for 15 minutes freezing my ass off in jeans and a zip up sweat shirt with a t-shirt underneath. It was going kind of fast so I got nervous and stepped out on the sidewalk further so the bus driver would see me but he continued to push on the gas. At that point I was waving my arms around like a bird that was about to plunge into a big pile of shit. AND CAN YOU GUES WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED AFTER THAT!? HUH HUH!?!?!? The fucking cock smoking peice of shit UTA bus left my ass while I ran down the street screaming no no no NO NO NOOOOO while doing the bird dance of death. So you bet your sweet ass I got right back on the computer and made a complaint on their site and asked for a free bus pass because no one deserves to wait ouside in the cold for over 15 minutes and chase after buses at 11:35 at night.

fucking assholes.

2 love davey

hung in your room swaying.. [04 Jan 2004|11:06pm]

I am The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.

Month: Day: Year:

it all adds up.

[04 Jan 2004|10:58pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I'm getting my hair did on wednesday at 6:30 so I'll most likely take new pictures on thursday or sometime after that. anyways yeah I been working like every day and it sucks. I need to apply at some new places because I'm sick of working as much as I do as hard as I do for such shitty pay. like I wouldnt be complaining if I had gotten promoted by now, but I havent which is lame. anyways I been hanging out with Jabe lately. him and the boys have been visiting me every night I work so thats been cool because work sucks. I havent hung out with him for a while also so that makes me happy. but girls.... omg girls, whats there left to say. some of them are beautiful and cool as hell. but the majority can eat a dirty douche container because they're just fucking irritating as hell. anyways what else... uh I need to be doing homework but I wosh I could just find someone I could pay to do it because I really dont want to. I have mon-wed off though so I guess that means I need to buckle down and do some work... blah. whatever. anyways I hope everyone had a great new years because mine officially blew. -xoxo

9 love davey

your name here [23 Dec 2003|01:43am]
[ mood | sick ]

I got called in to work again today because we didnt have enough people schedualed as fucking usual. lame. that kind of set me off but hey at least I got paid for it.
anyways so work has been really busy because of this Lord Of The Rings:Return Of The King bullshit (havent seen it so dont ask). and I swear people arent normal they all come in and pay for their tickets seperately like wtf dont be greedy its the christmas season share with your neighbor but nooooooooo they have to be fuckers and make me do it all seperately which takes so much longer its insane and then long as lines get formed but whatever. assholes.
so I finally get a calm point in the night where not alot of people are coming so I start finishing what I was doing before I got the rush of LOTR lovers and all the sudden my boss walks in and hands me sing the sorrow on vinyl which by the way I dont have because I'm too worried about everyone else and their dogs. so that was pretty cool and made me smile. the thing is I feel bad because yesterday I gave him some cologne that my dad got for $5 because he sells them on e-bay so he gets all the deals. and like the vinyl is like $30? or something so that kind of made me feel guilty but then again he makes like 38578376 times what I do so oh well.
anyways I know I'm not getting much for x-mas because our house was getting forclosed on so my mom and dad put most of the money into that plus it hasnt been snowing too much and thats basically where we get our money from. but yeah.... hmm. I just cant wait til after x-mas then I'll be able to buy myself something that I want because I havent done that for a while most of my moolah gets saved and or gets spent on other people for x-mas gifts. I still have to get a few things for people I know are getting things for me so I need to for sure return the favor. but other then that my paycheck should be fucking fat on friday because of how much I been working and everything and hopefully I'll be able to get my tattoo and maybe just maybe get my hurr did. I dont know. for now it will have to stay looking weird and funky-like. in conclusion my feet reek really bad because I also need new chucks.
goodnight butterfingers.

I hate christmas

4 love davey

[14 Dec 2003|10:00pm]
People like you becuase you&apos;re unique!
What attracts people to you?

brought to you by Quizilla

court [14 Dec 2003|08:35pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I forgot I needed to update on what happened at court. well I went with my head held high because I've been doing everything my judge asked me to do and more. he said that hes very proud of me and that I should be proud of myself. he also said its nice to see success stories once 'n a while and he said I need to come back in 3 months and proove I'm still doing good in school. so yeah thats some weight off of my shoulders because I think this next time will be the last time I have to go to court and that will rock the house down. on another note I paid for one of my friends to get their lip peirced (which she said she wanted her verticle peirced for the longest time so I was like ok thats cool so we dont look the same) then at the last minute she tells me shes getting the right side peirced and I'm very angry about that bullshit but what the fuck ever. THEN I was talking to the guy that does my peircings (which I hooked her up with him because she didnt know anyone that was close that would do peircings for cheep) and me and him were talking about a tattoo I'm going to get after x-mas sometime and he was all "well what do you think you want?" and I said "hmmm something with stars and sculls I guess." then the girl that just copied my lip idea was like "thats what I want!" and I'm like ok WTF then I was all "OK. then I guess I dont want that." so then she started to say "oh no go ahead go for it blah blah blah" anyways that just pissed me off its like wtf, do something different instead of being me.... dumb douche. anyways yeah I'm getting a tattoo sometime after x-mas, either my lower back which I dont think I'm feeling too much, or my upper arm which seems more my style. later dawgs.


thursday/thrice/deftones show [12 Dec 2003|01:43pm]

well we arrived at the saltair where the show was at and waited in the cold for about a half hour, that sucked but we were too excited to let it get to us. we got pretty close to the front which was good but I knew I'd get pushed back by the end of the show anyway. thrice was the first band to play and they fucking dominated. at one point of their performance Bert from the used came out and was on the balcony and waved to Dustin from thrice and Dustin wavd back then Bert started to attempt to sing the song they were playing, that was kind of... weird. After Thrice kicked ass, we heard Thursday wasnt going to be performing and that bummed me out hardcore because I was really looking forward to seeing them live. then we waited for like an hour and deftones came out. Chino sat on a chair for most all of the performance so that kind of dissappointed me but they were pretty cool. KC got a thrice and a thursday poster so he gave me the thursday one because I didnt get one. luckily he went with me because I was going to have to end up going by myself.

the end.

2 love davey

[09 Dec 2003|03:47pm]
Thrice/Thursday/Deftones show tonight at 7:00

I paid alot for this ticket and I wont miss it.

even though I have

no one to go with

everyone always ditches out on me when it comes to shows.

I hate this.
2 love davey

never good enough [11 Nov 2003|09:00pm]
[ mood | sore ]

ok so I know I havent updated for a while and I havent been online for a while but I'm back. net got shut off. its back on now. I got a job working at the movie theater. I love it. I love everything about it. I get free nachos, fountain drinks, and popcorn. I also get to see all of the movies for free and I can let up to 3 people in for free any day of the week. I hate school and I dont even want to finish getting my fucking credits but I have court in december and my judge is expecting a full report on my progress so I need to just suck it up and keep on doing my work. I gaged my ears to a 6 thanks to ashley who sent me her gages that werent in use. uhh I dont know what else to say except for I missed all you gangsters and to the people that took me off their list.... fuck you.... I took you off also... and thanks for the faith... bitches. for those who changed to greatest journal or what the fuck ever I dont think I'll be changing, too much of a hassle, plus cindee just did this great layout for me and I'm never giving it up NEVER ever ever ever. uhh what else.... I dont know.

fuck you very much.

10 love davey

drown in your guilt. [23 Sep 2003|01:34pm]
[ mood | blank ]

wishes of sleeping forever,
the cold nights and silent dreams take over me and become one with my soul.
have you seen the ache that roams throughout my mind..
the steady voices that travel through my veins and take over my body.
everything seems so foggy and I cant make out the blur.
something left inside of me a peice thats not yet filled.
clawing away at my heart.
forgive the pain. just suffer.
I lay in piles of anger and hate.
this will be my last secret to you.


shove it deep inside [21 Sep 2003|01:10am]
sometimes I wonder if people take me for granted
or even maybe just think I'm stupid, you must.
dont pretend to care
and dont pretend everythings ok.
dont leave harsh words unspoken
just to make me happy, you never did before.
you have something to say then say it
but dont lie to make your world seem better.
I cant stand when people tell me one thing and do another
If you're not going to do what you say then dont say it at all.
I used to think you were great
but everythings changed... you know that.
If you're going to keep playing this game
I'm no longer involved.
dont drag me down
Its not worth everything that seems so precious to you.
so go on and forget about me
I know you probably already have.
and everything I saw so wonderful in you will fade
and become the nothingness you claim when you hear my name.
so dont speak of me or think of me
for hopes that something might return.
because its all begining to become much clearer
and I dont want to keep being vulnerable to your words.
you were a false image that I forced into my mind
and it just kept hurting me more and more.
this is where the story ends and everyone lives happily ever after
I know you will.
The abuse will never end.
7 love davey

you take away [16 Sep 2003|11:17pm]
[ mood | worried ]

The misery begins to seep through your perfect mask of comfort and joy.
You contract disease and lonelyness and yet your will begins to fade.
Look at all you've destryed yet you've nothing left to lose.
The bittersweet calamity surrounds all that is beautiful and disinigrates into nothingness.
The arsenic taste that escapes your lips of glass and oasiss.
All we can hope for is a serum of change or injection of invitation.
Do you feel the gift of a heart rotting in its cold stream of explosion?
Or will you kill the lights and wait for darkness to descend.
Until theres no more screams of innosense or tears of pain to fill the void deep within.
Embrace the sadness and drink away the lies.
Words for you to keep locked in chambers of sleep, the dreams begin to become your destruction.
Only the poison will help you get through.
The needle pricks at the dead discolord flesh of your dying soul.
There will be no angels to greet you when you fall, you'll be remaining in the shadows of hate.
Retrace the steps back to the one you claim to be your love.
You strive on the addiction of gifts and showering of attention.
But where is the returned favor of caress?
Its lost in a world of madness and rage.
Go back to your santuary of curse and deciet
Without your presense there will be no late nights wondering or bruises on her spirit.
The silent black tears she's saved for you.
It's such a shame they will dissappear and find new meaning.
When it all comes down your words are like blows from a steel rod.
And this heart has been trampeled upon for far too long.
No trust can be given freely.


[07 Sep 2003|11:56pm]
[ mood | sick ]

ok so I needed to post about the whole situation that happened in court on thursday. ok so I went in with high hopes but they were false because I knew somehow my judge would make me ball like a hungry baby hooked on crack with no tit. anyways I went in with my head up high because I had done everything he asked me to down to the T... BUT the only thing I hadnt done that he didnt even order me to do I just kind of knew hed be angry about it was go to school but I had good intensions I was going to start school after my trip to Cali because it would be easier that way. well he ddint like the plan which I kind of just said "well I'm not in school because my mom and dad cant pay for it and I have no job to pay for it and I'm trying to get my lisense and job in order and everything then I was going to start" basically he yelled at me and said "thats balogna (his exact words) you will never ammount to anything if you dont have your education behind you blah blah blah (this is the part where I start to cry like a little lamb that lost its herd stuck in a feild of hungry lions, I dont know why I couldnt stop, I dont know how it started all I know is that my fucking lip was quivering and I had a frown that I couldnt straighten out). thats when he proceeded to say "I'm not yelling at you (which he actually was) I'm just trying to make you see how important your education is and you're a beautiful, intelligant young lady and blah blah blah (I was still crying it didnt fix anything). anyways so he basically ordered me to get enrolled into "school" by the 11th which is this upcoming thursday so I talked to the lady person about school and shes trying to get me into this sort of home schooling program where I go into school for 1 day out of the week for 1 hour and then I get sent home with 35 hours of homework which will basically be great for me and my plans because I work better independantly anyway. so I have an interview with the principal and such to see if he will accept me into that program on tuesday which is 2 days before court so IF I get accepted I'll start everything on wednesday hopefully then have court on thursday. yeah and i got my food handlers permit missed 4 out of 50 when I hadnt really studied the book i think I looked over it once and didnt read alot of it so that was pretty cool. and yeah what else... took ALOT of pictures the other day. my slim fast diest is working really well I'm sticking to it and I'm excited for results. and..... yeah so wish me luck with being accepted? oh and with court?

mucho amor.

p.s. nightmares are definately back....

5 love davey

walk all over me [06 Sep 2003|03:02pm]
[ mood | blank ]

it used to be every day
I'd wake with no delay
didnt want to leave eachothers side
you filled the void from deep inside
you filled the emptieness
and showed me some happieness
your bright disposition made me smile
and laugh all the while
now its back to lonelyness
and empiteness
ignore me again please
I cant cure this disease
it feels so good
you change my mood
like a knife into my soul
the thought is so foul
or even being stepped on repeatedly
your kindness given so willingly
you said nothing had changed
but now you've re-arranged
I guess that was just another lie
all trust is begining to die
for me I dont know whats in store
all I want is nothing more
I dont deserve what i get
have nothing to return
the ends dont always justify the means
but I know what it takes to get what i need
you lie to yourself and remain alone
into the dark is where this is dragging me
and into the dark is where I never want to be
into the dark is where you want to watch me bleed
caught in the world that is plauged by something they call love
my only apparent future is my unhappy doom
so i just whine all the fucking time
the deeper I think
the deeper I begin to sink
hope you're happy
with what I've become

4 love davey

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